Pivotal moment?

What now then? Where do I go from here?

To answer those questions I must first ask some more. What do I want out of tango? What paths call to me? Not what do I want to achieve, or where do I want to get to. To ask those questions is to focus only on the end goal, which we have already seen as not being fruitful or beneficial to ourselves.

I want to lead. Not just for getting more dances or balancing out my tango self, but for something much deeper than that. Something inside of me yearns to create, to be the constructor of the dance around and into which the other brings their own self. I still want to follow. I want to be able to take a lead's creation and bring my personality to their design, but right now I need, not want, to be able to create that dance. I want it all.

I truth I do. I want to be balanced, to be able to lead as well as I follow and vice versa. Can this be done? I don't know. I see no reason why not but Ia m sure there are those who would tell me otherwise.

Back to the original question then. What now? Where do I go from here? What I cannot do is neglect my following and expect to pick it up again at some later date. I need to continue dancing, taking classes - be it group, workshops or privates - as a follow. But I also need to do two, maybe three things as a lead. I need to practice leading at practices and dance at quiet / spacious milongas. I need to practice what I learnt this weekend, repeatedly and systematically - it will apply to my following also. Finally I need to pick classes as a lead - be it group, splitting or devoting privates or something else. The trick is going to be deciding which role to play in which classes. For now I'm leading towards beginner classes as lead and intermediate as follow. Except with Vio and there I take on more as a lead.

Once my general leading is of a higher standard then no doubt I will have to reexamine the situation, but I'm not there just yet. I do want to study with Vio much more. I love her dancing and her teaching. I need to be more selective of who else I chose to study under. Up until now I' have taken a scattergun approach - working with nearly any visiting or top teacher around. I need to change that approach now and really think and chose. My wallet needs me to also!

For today though, I can just be happy. I had a great weekend.

Gingers on the dance floor

It's hard to remain positive and cheerful when tanda after tanda passes you by. You can't sit in the same place for too many, like a frozen doll in a shop window that fades in the afternoon sun. Yet you need to stay in the good spots for a cabeceo. You try not to be disappointed as one of your friends, a wonderful dancer, proposes and dances with dancer after dancer, but not you. When a lead walks up and asks you directly you say yes, even though this is usually a sign for you to say no! That still turns out to be a mistake, but you make the most of it - you may not get another dance after all.

The evening is saved when, very near the end of the night, one of your favourite teachers asks you to dance. You've only practiced with them in class - as lead and follow - but have seen them dance and know you want to. A milonga for your first tanda! Great fun, if a little messy! A tango next - still energetic and he feeds off my playful nature. The evening is saved.

But maybe I need to think more carefully about the millings I go to infrequently as a non-local - I need to be known as otherwise it is too painful. At my level at least. Will it be easier when I lead?

Thoughts of an aspiring tanguero

I feel so much frustration with my lack of progress - yet so pleased with how far I've come. Maybe it's my rate of progress I'm frustrated with. I feel so inept and incapable - still a bumbling beginner yet so much better than I was. If I feel so awful now how bad was I back then? How bad am I now really and will I not truly appreciate that until the years in which I am better? Is this the curse of the learner - through experience we become aware of our own inexperience?

This, I guess, is where one must learn to enjoy and embrace the journey. With only an end in mind we will never enjoy the now and always feel dissatisfied with our dance, ourselves and the time and money invested.

So, how does one enjoy the journey? Truly enjoy it and not be caught up in the self-deprication and dissatisfaction? How do we stop ourselves feeling ashamed of our dances, guilty towards our partner for accepting their invitation or their acceptance of ours, and simply enjoy the dance for what it truly is - fun and enjoyment.

Honestly. I have no idea.